Epic #2 June 23 2021

[Legal Department]

One Wrestle Movement
In Association With
Iconic Sports Media

Presents

Live from the Ross Kelley Rodeo Arena in Pasadena, Texas

After introducing the show, we see how the budget has marginally improved since Epic #1! The Ross Kelley Rodeo Arena is a unique covered outdoor riding venue different than the typical wrestling fare! A near-capacity crowd fills the four-thousand bleacher seats and steel chairs behind old-fashioned steel interlocking barriers separating the audience from the action! The wrestling ring is distinctive, too. It has six sides! The three sets of purple rope (steel cables encased in rubber hoses) connect to the six padded turnbuckles at the corners. The yellowed white mat is covered in questionable stains, too. Unseen under the canvas are many plastic-like short boards that absorb impacts better than a usual wood alternative. On two opposite ring skirts, the Epic logo is big at the center, while another pair of skirts promote the WeAreSplat.com streaming service where fans could watch full-length 1WM Epic episodes like this one! The last two promote One Wrestle Movement’s website.

At ringside, the ground is an orange-brown dirt floor with tractor tracks that leveled it flat beforehand. Two black steel steps rest on opposite corners as well. The entrance is a wide aisle that leads to a curtain, dirt on the ground here too, with a small tron monitor secured on the bare-bones Epic stage set. The barricades wrap around the sides. 1WM fans are seated around the aisle in steel chairs, their excitement palpable already! Pyro doesn’t appear to be in the budget, though. On the bright side, there’s an elaborate lighting rig attached to the canopy roof above.

After the camera shows off the rest of the arena, we focus on the commentary desk against the large window with a great elevated view. It’s in an enclosed air-conditioned announcer's booth roughly ten feet above the entrance curtain, the window a part of the stage set itself! It’s a small room with audio equipment and tiny monitors. Out of the door are stairs that lead to the ground-level gorilla position. Not too far from that leads through the entryway to the aisle and then the ring. Mike Spazz and Vance Isaac Parker sit in cheap stationary chairs back at the booth while one empty guest commentary seat rests beside them.

Vance Issac Parker: Welcome to the Ross Kelley Rodeo Arena, our new home! What do you think of the place, Spazz?

Spazz: Smells like horse piss and flies, dawg.

Vance Issac Parker: It’s like walking right by your old high school gym locker, right?

Spazz: So what do we got? What’s on the card? I know Regulators are takin’ on The House!

Vance Issac Parker: That’s right! Followed by Jack Riggs going up against Jordan Monroe in a double debut match! I’m interested to see which of these fresh faces shows us the moxie to get that all-important Double U.

Spazz: It’s always hard as balls when yous gotta’ debut against another debutin’ mofugga!

VIP reaches under the table and pulls out a large mason jar with a rubber bottom under it to protect it. He slams it onto the table, gently tapping the top of the lip after setting it in place.

Vance Issac Parker: I told you two weeks ago, Spazz, that’s a quarter every time you curse, c’mon we got a family show here! As for the main event, Driller Jaworski is back with another of his ‘Ten Minute Drills’...and I feel sorry for whoever they got to take the challenge this time. You think we’ll see Captain Allstar make his ‘triumphant return to One dub?!

Spazz: *Drops a quarter in a jar* This is dumb as fuck. *drops another quarter in the jar.*

Vance Issac Parker: But up first, as my ...illustrious… partner said, we’ve got The Regulators taking on The House, and you don’t want to miss this!

Tag Team Match
Regulators, Incorporated ("Calamity" Jane Adler and Sadie Cassidy)
versus
The House (Isabella Terrano and Camila Morricone)

Backstage earlier in the day, we see Jane Adler searching for her tag partner, as she hadn't been seen all day. So she calls out Sadie Cassidy’s name, just passing the catering table, and notices there were still chicken parmesan sandwiches available! This was clearly a sign her partner hadn't been there yet.

Jane Adler: Sadie? Sadie, our match is taking place soon! I need you here with me…

Adler looks out into the distance down the hall until she finally spots her! Sadie had been laid out, and someone had Pillmanized her right knee!

Jane Adler: Sadie! Oh my gosh, are you okay?

Jane ran over to her fallen friend, rolling her over after taking the chair off her leg and trying to wake her up.

Jane Adler: Sadie, what happened?

Sadie Cassidy: I, ung... I don't know. Last thing I remember was getting out from the ladies' room, and someone hit me in the back of the head... I hurt all over…

Sadie cries out in pain. She couldn't put pressure on her leg.

Jane Adler: There's no way you can fight like this…

Sadie Cassidy: Jane, you can't take on the House alone…

A shadow comes up over both of them, and as Jane looked up at the unseen figure, she smiles.

Jane Adler: No... But I think I know who can help.

She says the words with a smile as the show cuts to a commercial.

Vance Issac Parker: Is Sadie really gonna go out there like that? You can’t be serious. It’s OK to call an audible and take a show off. No one will fault you for putting your body ahead of wrestling...your real life matters!

Tag Team Match
"Calamity" Jane Adler and Janica Jayden
versus
The House (Isabella Terrano and Camila Morricone)

Once the bell rings, Jane insists she should be the legal woman to avenge Sadie while Janice points out Jane’s self-righteousness! While this argument takes place, Camila and Isabella take advantage by attacking them from behind! With stomps and kicks, boos ring out from the 1WM YOUNIVERSE as the referee has to separate the two teams.

Vance Issac Parker: The YOUNIVERSE is loud and buzzing tonight!

Spazz: Just let ‘em go! Ring the bell, ref! Let ‘em go fuck each other up! *quarter drop in jar*

After some discussion, Camila and Janica start off things for her teams. The pair trade heavy strikes back and forth from standing positions until Janica ducks. Then, with her opponent’s back to her, Morricone turns her back to her opponent, reaches back, and pulls Jayden’s head over her shoulder. Dropping to a kneel, the hangman's neckbreaker slams Janica’s neck with her shoulder, and Isabella immediately tags herself in and hits a Penalty Kick in one beautiful flowing motion! The two continue to attack her as the referee starts the five count, but Camila raises her hands in defense and climbs into her corner before he could finish.

Vance Issac Parker: With Camila already on the defensive, are we in for a shorter-than-expected bout?

Spazz: And theyz just gettin’ warmed up in here!

Now Isabella is the legal woman, a wicked kick to the ribs sending Janica rolling! She starts to climb to her feet, though. Then, slapping the yellowish-white mat in frustration, she rises to a three-point stance with bared teeth and fierce eyes! The Dixie Devil’s fans stomp and slam rhythmically, their savage sounds urging Janica to rush at Isabella like a raging bull. In an instant, the former LFL athlete tackles the Mancini Syndicate enforcer to the mat! Almost everybody in the bleachers let out cheers and yells of approval, their eyes glued to the action as Janice scoops Isabella into a White Russian Leg Sweep!! Pin!

ONE
TWO
T… KICKOUT!

Vance Issac Parker: Do we know why that move is called a ‘white’ Russian Leg Sweep? What if it were an Orange Russian Leg Sweep instead?

Spazz: Close only counts in Hand-shoes and Horse Grenades, dawg!


As Janica Jayden catches her breath, she sluggishly crawls over to her tag team partner and gets the hot tag! Regulator, Incorporated’s Jane Adler runs in clotheslining Isabella back to the ground, then bounces off the ropes to hit another clothesline as Isabella climbs to her feet again! Finally, the inverted Alabama slam knocks ‘Bella down! The audience roars with cheer while Adler mimics spinning a lasso around her head like a cowgirl, then throws the imaginary rope loop at a recovering Terrano. Calamity Jane whistles as she playfully pulls the invisible tether with both hands as if that’s her picking up her opponent. Mid-pull, though, her fun display gets cut short when Camila Morricone jumps the ropes and nails Jane with a crushing Even Flow DDT (flowing snap DDT)! Isabella hits her Bank Breaker (Busaiku Knee Strike) finisher, but she’s weak and doesn’t get all of it! Morricone rolls to ringside, allowing Terrano to hook the leg.

ONE!!!!
TTTTWWWWOOOO!!!
TTTTTHHHHHHHHRRRRRRE-KICKOUT!!!

Spazz: GET THE FUCK OUTTA’ HERE! *Drops quarter in jar*

Vance Issac Parker: I’m sure you’ll be glad to know that your donations to positive language on television will be going to a worthy cause, just you wait for the end of the show.

The former 1WM Tag Team Champion hears the stomps and cheers as The House looks at their opponents with absolute shock! Their slackjawed faces don’t last long, though. Soon, Isabella lazily mocks Jane’s lasso spot and throws the fictional loop at her opponent with a scowl on her face. Pretending to tug Jane back to her feet from a distance, Janica shouts at her partner to tag her in right now! Isabella yells too, her eyes temporarily in Janica’s direction, and at that moment, Jane hits her with an inverted atomic drop, then a scoop slam that sends her back-first into the mat!

Tagging in Janica, the makeshift Regulators, Incorporated hit their opponent with a sloppy Red Dead Revolver (Magic Killer)! The two aren’t used to double team moves together! Janica Jayden rollup pins Isabella.

Vance Issac Parker: Ballgame!

ONE!!!!
TTTTWWWWOOOO!!!
TTTTTHHHHHHHH-KICKOUT!!!

Spazz: Roll-ups equal stole-ups! Bitch almost got this bad boy! *Drops quarter in jar*

Vance Issac Parker: ...Dang, I got it wrong. I’d have bought that for the end!

The henchwoman managed to survive, rolling underneath the bottom rope to the dirt ringside. Janica chases her around the “Hexagonal Circle,” dodging an incoming Camila who tried to cut her off at the pass! Suddenly, something stops her! Seemingly tripping, Janica falls forward and chips her chin on the black steel steps! Everyone is confused.

VIP: Did she trip? Maybe her bootlaces weren’t tight enough…

Spazz: Dude, W.T.F. is going on?

While she recovers, the Epic logo flashes on the screen and onto the small tron embedded in the Epic stage set. For the people in the Ross Kelley Rodeo Arena, the replay showed on the monitor. Those watching from elsewhere were treated to the video playing in the bottom-right corner while the action progressed in the top-left corner. The video shows Janica chasing Isabella like everyone’s just seen, but in slow motion, our attention is zoomed in to see a hand reaching out to grab Janica’s ankle from underneath the ring skirt! It’s noticeably caucasian. Feminine, too.

Spazz: Somebody’s wanting to give a hand up in here! Check it!

Vance Issac Parker: Talk about lending a helping hand!

After the moment of speculation, we return to the broadcast where "La Capa" Viola Mancini climbs out from underneath the ring to hit Janica with a remorseless Concrete Stiletto running stomp onto the steel steps!! The referee doesn’t notice! He’s distracted by Isabella, who just entered the six-sided ring. On top of all that, Viola just strolls down the dirt road aisle and leaves through the curtain.

Vance Issac Parker: Even Stevie Wonder could see this one is over.

Spazz: Ref didn’t see it, bitch didn’t do it! *drops quarter in the jar*

Next, Isabella restarts the countout by climbing out of the ring again to see a battered and bloodied Janica going through her internal concussion checklist with her back against the steel steps. Bank Breaker (Busaiku Knee Strike)!! The wound on Janica’s forehead severely worsened, "The Ace of Diamonds" Isabella Terrano finally rolls her opponent into the ring for the pin.

Vance Issac Parker: At this point, it’s just elementary.

ONE!!!!

Jane Adler jumps the rope to try to save her second tag team partner!

TTTTWWWWOOOO!!!

Camila knocks Jane down with a second Even Flow DDT!

TTTTHHHRRREEE!!!

Vance Issac Parker: NOT THIS WAY!!!

WINNER BY PINFALL: THE HOUSE (ISABELLA TERRANO AND CAMILA MORRICONE)!!!

Spazz: Yup, like this dawg. *shrug*


After the match, an exhausted Camila asks for a microphone. Once she gets it, she crouches over Janica Jayden with both legs on either side of her torso.

Camilla Morricone: … The House... always wins!

The House are showered in boos as the two celebrate!

Vance Issac Parker: ...did she just teabag Janica? After cheating? How rude.

Spazz: You know how it is. Play the cards against the house, and that deck gets stacked bigger than a pornstar’s titties! *drops quarter in jar*

VIP: But you know everyone is beatable, and The House is eventually gonna fold. It’s the nature of the bea --

Vance Issac Parker’s eyes bug out at the sight of the swear jar.

Vance Issac Parker: Whoa, we’ve already filled the bottom portion? And it’s only been one match? At this rate, we’re gonna be able to cover payroll for a week just off my partner’s generous donations! Folks, we’ll be right back with more...EPIC...action!

Singles Match
Jack Riggs
versus
Jordan Monroe

After the bell calls for this match to start, Jordan Monroe and Jack Riggs slowly approach each other in the middle of the ring. Both of them jaw-jack each other, inaudible insults flying back and forth! That is until Riggs smirks. True to his word, he immediately connects with his Pork Chop Express bicycle! It’s a direct hit with Monroe’s mouth. Following up with his Big Trouble (Burning Hammer) finisher, Jordan slips out before all of her body weight could slam into her neck. With a foot at the back of the knee, Monroe forces Jack to fall to one knee. Then, she tries for her Crowning Achievement shining wizard! That’s reversed, Jack collecting the smaller competitor into a powerbomb position. Slamming her down over the ropes and onto the dirt at ringside, a dust cloud flies into her eyes.

Vance Issac Parker: That was a whole lot of energy for a whole lot of...dust in the air. cough, cough

Spazz: Pocket sand, bitch! *drops quarter in jar*

VIP vigorously wipes the sand from his face.

Vance Issac Parker: Remind me at episode three to come out here with a full face shield. ... What? I’ve seen people wearing it to protect themselves from the corona...

Riggs takes this time to relax and taunt the crowd by raising his fist, slowing down the action briefly. The audience shows both love and hate for the One Wrestling Movement newcomer, still unsure what to think of him as Jordan recovers on the outside.

Spazz: I kinda’ dig the fuuuunker!

Vance Issac Parker: What’d you just say?

Spazz: Yes, you dumb fuck, what else would I have said?

Vance Issac Parker: Checkmate.

Spazz: FUCK! *two quarters in jar*

With his eyes on the crowd, the deathmatch powerhouse doesn’t notice that Jordan moved! In fact, she ran around to the other side of the six-sided ring. Now behind the taunting braggart, Monroe shouts to get his attention, then jumps to collect the five-foot-eleven monster in the five-foot-four Princess’s clutches. Lizzie Complex (Octopus Hold)! That’s Jordan’s submission finisher!

Spazz: That was slick like greased mother-trucking lightning!!

Vance Issac Parker: You know what I love about this ring? That we’ve got six sides, and only one --

Spazz: Don’t you dare say it.

Jack Riggs thrashes around, attempting to break the hold by mindlessly swinging the smaller fighter around to try to break her grip! His energy starts to fade, even as he attempts to run at one of the six corners. Before he could collide Jordan’s back with the turnbuckle at full speed, he drops to his knees as Monroe locks it in even further!

Vance Issac Parker: They use these larger rings down in Mexico, where the athletes are smaller, quicker, and more prone to jumping than a dog over the fence. What we’re seeing here is the natural culmination of that with Jordan tiring him out.

Spazz: Looks like it’s gettin’ worse by the minute yo for Riggy Jacks!

The referee tries to check if he wants to quit, but he doesn’t respond. To perhaps Jack’s surprise, a small subset of the counterculture audience starts to encourage him to climb back to his feet with a chant, along with stomps and claps in beat between the words. More join in over time.

Crowd: F*** ‘EM UP, JACK! F*** ‘EM UP, JACK! F*** ‘EM UP, JACK!


Vance Issac Parker: Either this crowd likes this Jack guy, or they just want him to get up because they want to see a fight. And I’m not sure which of those is better!

Spazz: YOU FUCKERS SHOULD PUT A QUARTER IN THE JAR! *drops quarter in jar*

Vance Issac Parker: Reverse psychology doesn’t work. Why don’t you donate to the jar on behalf of them?

It takes a while, but soon the massive behemoth slowly climbs back to his feet and bumps backward, all of his bodyweight crushing Jordan Monroe for just a second! Jack roars with his arms bent and his head back, the small section of fans he’s accumulated making their feelings known! Monroe climbs to the corner, attempting to recover while leaning against the turnbuckles.

Vance Issac Parker: Well, that’s one way to break a hold.

Spazz: You think they love this crass mofo?

Vance Issac Parker: Mofo? We’re gonna have to set some guidelines about just how close you can skirt by without actually swearing…

Spazz: Yo Mofo is not a curse word!

After some rest, Riggs runs at Jordan in the corner! Pork Chop Expre— WHAT?! Jordan Monroe dodged the bicycle kick! She doesn’t avoid the next Pork Chop Express, though! Monroe collapses into Jack’s arms, allowing him to quickly combo into a Big Trouble (Burning Hammer)!!!

ONE!!!
TWO!!!
TTTTHHHRRREEE!!!

Vance Issac Parker: Ballgame, folks. No missed count on that, whew.

WINNER BY PINFALL: JACK RIGGS!!!

Spazz: That was a fockmuthering match yo!

Vance Issac Parker: You little loophole exploiting…

Spazz: Nah ah dawg, I switched letters. It ain’t cursin!

Vance Issac Parker: We gotta take another break, but if you liked that last match, stick around for the next one!

As the match between Jack Riggs and Jordan Monroe comes to an end, there is a commotion going on near the commentary table in the announcer’s booth! When the camera pans over, we see Justice Cross finish climbing the stairs behind VIP and Spazz. Then, going closer to the table, she grabs a headset, putting it on, and sits in the empty chair.

Justice Cross: I’m really sorry to interrupt you guys.

Smirking a bit, she then began to laugh.

Justice Cross: I just want to know why these idiots get to be on Epic this week, and I don’t. I mean, look at me and then look at them. Who is the one that brings the ratings in?

Vance Issac Parker: Apparently, the bosses decided contrary to your own delusions of grandeur. But since you’re here...how was the pizza last show? I had it ordered special for you because I’m so nice, and I knew you needed something hearty to go into that huge match with…

Justice Cross: Yeah? Did you see how I spit that garbage out? Maybe I would have ate it if there were no anchovies on it. But hey, as soon as I tasted them, I knew it was from you. Did you even pay the guy for it? I mean, how can you even order pizza when you are out here doing commentary?

Vance Issac Parker: It’s the magic of mobile delivery apps. It’s just a couple quick taps during a promotional package to make sure I can take care of you with a hot, fresh, VIP signature pizza arriving at your door. Tip included, you didn’t even have to pay a thing. But you didn’t come out here to talk about pizza. And surely you’re not out here to spend the entire day with us… Well, maybe Spazz wouldn’t mind.

Spazz: Hey, what’s that sposed to mean?

Justice Cross: You know exactly why I am out here.

Vance Issac Parker: Well, go ahead. We got limited air time after all, and contrary to your own belief… the YOUNIVERSE doesn’t revolve around you.

Justice Cross: And the universe does not revolve around you either, VIP. If you want, I know a kid who can create a solar system that revolves just for you! I’ll even let you take it home with you. But back to what I came out here for. I came out here to bless you with my presence and to see Spazz!

Spazz: It’s sure nice to hear someone other than VIP. It’s a real sausage fest out here sometimes!

Vance Issac Parker: “Bless”? Or “curse”?

Justice Cross: If you take it as a curse, then that’s what it is. Check it out, VIP. You’re out here, I’m out here, I see a ring…

Vance Issac Parker: Really? Justice, there’s two sides to Vance Isaac Parker, there’s the competitor whom you see on every Legendary --

Spazz: The same guy you’ll see get knocked out by Tiffany Page on June 30th!

Vance Issac Parker: Ahem. And, there’s the creator VIP, who comes here to create an experience and guide these fans with my words as I break down the action. Did you really come here to challenge the creator? Are you that hard up for attention? Shouldn’t you be worried about, oh, I don’t know, Symphony of Destruction after the way you brutalized Coda?

Justice Cross: I’ll let you have that one VIP. But this is not over by a long shot. Oh, by the way, how’s the eye?

Vance Issac Parker: …Justice, I think your time has passed for this evening.

Looking at the water bottles in front of them, she takes one hand and smacks each one away from the table. Justice then grabs their papers and throws them at the Epic commentary team! A burly security guard approaches to escort Cross out of the announcer’s booth, only for her to quickly walk to the door and slam it behind her.

Vance Issac Parker: Man, I was gonna drink that…

Spazz: Dude, yous need ta handle ya business. You can’t just let Justice dog you like that. I ain’t callin’ a show with a punkass bitch! *Happily drops three quarters in the jar* Lunchbox Joe Koss got more spine and game than you, damn!

Vance Issac Parker: We don’t have time for this, right? We have a show to call...

Now that Justice Cross is out of the room, another visitor arrives with a swagger in his step. It’s 1WM roster member Don Tirri who beat Griffin Hawkins at Epic #1!

Don Tirri: Sup? Hope you don’t mind me crashing the party. I was bored and figured I’d do something useful with my time. And you two need a third guy here anyway.

Vance Issac Parker: Welcome champ, err, I mean future champion question mark.

Spazz: Just shove bitch boy outta’ the chair and send him with his swear jar bullshit too!

Mike still kicks the spare chair behind them to Don, letting him have a seat, then scoots to the side to let him sit between them. He then drops a quarter in the swear jar.

Don Tirri: Also, there was nothing in that bag except whatever AK carries with her. Slathered in VapoRub. So let’s move on.

Vance Issac Parker: My gosh, I bet you’re the type to put saran wrap across the toilet seat too…

Spazz: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!!!! Nah, though, Love me some Arley K, but that’s some Lash Donohue shiiinanigans right there.

Vance Issac Parker: Folks, stick around, we’ve got one last break, and then we’re onto our main event. Driller Jaworski is up next!

Main Event
Five-Minute Drill
Driller Jaworski
versus
Mystery Opponent

Vance Issac Parker: This guy again. I can’t believe he’s back for more after what he did back at episode one.

Ring Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, this following contest is our main event, and it will be a Five-Minute Drill! Remember, the only way someone can beat Driller Jaworski is if they can survive the entire five minutes without being dropped on their head or if they can actually drop Driller Jaworski on his head. And now, allow me to introduce to you the man who initiated this open challenge, Driller Jaworski!

"43% Burnt" by Dillinger Escape Plan plays while Driller marches out to the ring. He grabs the mic from the ring announcer.

Driller Jaworski: I've been a very busy man this month. I had myself a Five-Minute Drill on the first Epic, in which I planted an old man and a douchebag podcaster on their stupid heads. Then, just six days later, I proved to the world that no one is "unbreakable" when I dropped Victoria Salinas with not one but TWO Drill Bits. And now, I stand before you tonight, prepared to do what I do best once again in another EPIC Five-Minute Drill.

Crowd: Booo!

VIP: I’d like to remind everyone that while Driller is truthful there, let the record show that Victoria managed to fight back after the first move. He hit that move twice on her because it took two to finally put her down for the three count.

Spazz: Bet his girlfriend says it ain’t so Epic… *snickers*

Driller Jaworski: Now, you might say, "Driller, you've got a big match against William James Cordova on June 30 at Legendary 18. Why would you willingly compete in another Five-Minute Drill? Shouldn't you rest up and be 100% for Cordova?" My answer to that is, I guess I could have taken tonight off. I guess I could have relaxed and let my body heal up after my clash with Victoria Salinas, but here's the thing: I don't plan on making my match with Cordova a quick one. You see, more importantly than winning that match on June 30th, I plan on torturing that little bastard. He did what no one else should ever dare do: he interrupted me when I was in the midst of drilling someone. A crime like that deserves a punishment that fits it, and believe you me, the punishment that I have in store for little Billy Ryder is absolutely going to fit his crime.

Crowd: Booo!

Vance Issac Parker: Don’t ever interrupt a man when they’re in the act of...drilling.

Spazz: GIGGITY!

Driller Jaworski: I'm going to stomp on his fingers and digits until they're all broken. I'm going to throw him up against every ring post and every inch of the guardrail outside. I'm going to physically dissect him from his brainless head all the way down to his toes. I'm going to drain him of his blood like a pig in a slaughterhouse. And no matter how much he begs, pleads, and cries for me to stop the pain, I'm going to keep destroying him bit by bit until I'm satisfied, and then, I will lift him up straight in the air, and I will drop him down right on the top of his head, and my heart is going to feel warm as I hear all his vertebrae crack at the same time.

Crowd: Booo!

Vance Issac Parker: Yeah? And what if Cordova wins? What are you gonna do about Cordova?

Driller Jaworski: Now, in order to do all this, I'm going to need endurance, and while I have been working on my cardio lately, I just want to play it safe and make sure my body is prepared, so I can do everything I want to do on June 30th, whether I choose to spend five minutes, ten minutes, twenty minutes, or even sixty minutes putting that piece of crap through hell and misery!

Crowd: Booo!

Driller Jaworski: So, if there's anyone in the back who wants to—

"Moonlight Sonata" by L'Orchestra Cinématique plays over the loudspeaker.

Vance Issac Parker: Erick St John?! The Forgotten One has made his debut on EPIC!

Spazz: He’s steppin’ out and lookin’ ready to ffuuuuork that shhhiz up!!!


Don Tirri: I’m glad Erick came to interrupt this incessant yapping. That Driller dude sure likes the sound of his own voice. I dunno if I should yawn or clap.

Vance Issac Parker: Yes.

Driller can't believe that a legitimate challenger is answering his call. ESJ steps into the ring and grabs the mic away from Driller. Driller looks down at his hand, disbelieving that ESJ dared to do that! He glares down at ESJ and sneers. ESJ isn't intimidated one bit.

Eric St. John: Are you done, big man? Because I think we've heard enough from you. You want to prepare for Cordova? How about you prepare by going up against someone who's won more titles than you have brain cells!


Crowd: Ooooooh!

Spazz: 15 championships sure is impressive, but 15 braincells? Not so much, dawg.

Don Tirri: *snickers*

Vance Issac Parker: Fifteen wins is fifteen losses. I don’t know. Maybe he should ease up on the not-so-humble brags...

Eric St. John: Five-Minute Drill, huh? About as long as your career is going to last around here. Let's do this, big man! NOW!

The crowd cheers as ESJ tosses the mic back to Driller, who was unprepared and almost dropped it. After that, he keeps his eyes on ESJ as he points to the clock on the big screen.

Driller Jaworski: Start the clock!

Main Event
Five-Minute Drill
Driller Jaworski
versus
Erick St. John

Driller throws the mic out of the ring as the five minutes start to count down. Driller charges at ESJ. ESJ ducks. Driller turns. ESJ goes for his My Redemption superkick, but Driller drops down and rolls out of the ring.

Vance Issac Parker: Maybe ESJ has the secret ingredient to the Five Minute Drill...

Don Tirri: Both a smart move and a cowardly one. Be a man, Drill!

Driller walks around the ring for a few seconds, cautiously looking at ESJ. The Forgotten One smirks at the rattled big man.

Vance Issac Parker: Is this the first time we’ve seen Driller go on defense? Two weeks ago it was all him!

Don Tirri: And here I was thinking he was dumb. Proved me wrong, I guess.

Spazz: ESJ will smoke him like a blunt if he ain’t careful, son!

Driller rolls back into the ring. He and ESJ begin circling each other. Driller charges again, but ESJ grabs him in a waist lock and throws him down to his stomach. ESJ continues holding on. Driller sits up and tries to escape the hold, but ESJ won't let go. Finally, ESJ releases Driller but slaps him in the back of the head a few times. Driller loses patience and shoots up to his feet.

Spazz: He’s just toying with this nut bag!

Don Tirri: Never fight angry, my friend. Erick is throwing the Drillman off his game. I like it!

ESJ laughs as Driller tries to collect himself. ESJ motions for Driller to come at him again. Driller obliges, and ESJ grabs him in a waist lock again, but this time, Driller blocks the takedown and elbows ESJ in the eye. ESJ lets go and puts his hand over his eye, allowing Driller to hit a running lariat.

Vance Issac Parker: And just like that, Driller steals the advantage with a blatant cheat.

Don Tirri: I need to remember that move...

Driller wastes no time grabbing ESJ and going for the Drill Bit, but ESJ breaks the hold and backdrops Driller.

Vance Issac Parker: I think that’s the first time someone actually broke the double underhook, right? At least here in One Dub.

Spazz: Elephino.

Driller shoots to his feet but is met with a dropkick by ESJ. ESJ comes off the ropes and goes for a punt kick. Driller grabs ESJ's foot and stands up. He pulls ESJ in and hits an exploder suplex. ESJ writhes in pain on the floor. Driller rushes to go for another head-dropping move. He scoops ESJ up on his shoulder, but ESJ wiggles his legs and gets free. He grabs Driller from behind and locks in a sleeper hold.

Spazz: Erick’s got that shtick locked in mothertruckin TIGHT SON!!!!

Don Tirri: Never underestimate a simple sleeper. Did I ever tell you of that one time I choked out a 7-feet guy by hanging on him for dear life? Fun times...

Driller tries desperately to escape the hold.

Vance Issac Parker: This could be over. If he can’t break the hold, it’s impossible to put ESJ away. Worse, he might just lose on the spot!

Driller reaches back and hooks one of ESJ's legs with his massive arm and lifts. He hooks the other leg and runs backward into the corner, causing ESJ to break the hold. ESJ slumps in the corner while Driller stumbles into the middle of the ring and looks back at ESJ, enraged. He charges and hits a corner splash followed by an Irish whip into the opposite corner. He charges, but ESJ gets his boot up. ESJ charges at Driller, but Driller ducks, comes off the ropes, and hits The Pounce. ESJ flies back a few feet from the impact.

Vance Issac Parker: THHHHEEEE PPOOOOUUUNNNCCCEEEE!!!!

Spazz: Daaaaaaaamn! He got some distance outta’ that!

Vance Issac Parker: If this were a normal match, he could have just pinned him right there, I bet…

Don Tirri: Holy shit, that had some impact. Note to self: Avoid the freight train.

Driller gets ESJ on his shoulders and executes a torture rack backbreaker. He wastes no time grabbing ESJ and sending him crashing down to the mat with a sit-out powerbomb. ESJ hacks and coughs while Driller stands over him, ready for the kill.

Driller Jaworski: Nice try, ESJ, but now it's time to come back to reality!

Vance Issac Parker: There are only 20 seconds left! Driller better drop ESJ on his head now if he wants to keep his Five-Minute Drill record intact!

Driller lifts ESJ into a vertical suplex.

Spazz: ESJ is about to get DRILLED YO!

Don Tirri: That’s what she said!

Vance Issac Parker: Wait! It’s not over yet, look!

ESJ lands feet first behind Driller. He locks on a sleeper hold again. Driller falls back into the corner, but this time, ESJ holds on! Driller tries to reach for the ropes.

Spazz: ESJ just needs to hold on for a few more seconds!

3...2...1!

The buzzer rings as the clock strikes zero, and the crowd cheers.

Ring Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Erick St. John has survived the Five-Minute Drill!!!

Vance Issac Parker: The Five Minute Drill is over! ESJ has won the challenge!

Crowd: Ooooh!

As ESJ releases the sleeper hold, Driller angrily throws another elbow and hits the Forgotten One in the eye again. This time there is an audible crack as ESJ grabs his eye and drops to the mat. Blood is pouring out from between ESJ's fingers as he holds his eye and growls in pain.

Vance Issac Parker: That was a blatant elbow shot after the match was over! That’s not even called for!

Don Tirri: Saw that coming a mile away. Poor loser plays dirty, more news at eleven.

Spazz: What a punk ass BITCH! *drops two quarters in the jar*

Driller grins sinisterly as a pool of blood forms below ESJ, and the ref checks on him. The ref immediately signals for help from the back. Driller sees an opportunity and slides out of the ring to confiscate a steel chair. He comes back into the ring, and the ref catches him and gets between Driller and ESJ.

Vance Issac Parker: Oh c’mon, the match is over. You got your shot in. This isn’t necessary! Someone get some help out here!

Spazz: Dude, He beat you! Go home!

Don Tirri: If he doesn’t back out, I might have to go there and convince him to leave myself.

The ref says something to Driller while motioning something about ESJ's eye, which only makes Driller's demonic facial expression beam even more. The ref grabs the chair from Driller and is about to chuck it back out of the ring when Driller nails him with a running lariat to the back of the head. The ref falls to the mat unconscious along with the chair.

Vance Issac Parker: That’s not a trained athlete. That’s one of our own officials. We’ve lost complete control out here!

Spazz: Think we should evacuate before this monster mofugga comes at us?!

Vance Issac Parker: No. The captain always goes down with the ship…

Driller slowly turns his attention to ESJ, who is bleeding profusely. He looks back at the chair next to the fallen ref. Then, he walks over to ESJ, grabs him by the hair, and pulls his face up. ESJ is a crimson mask as he screams in pain.

Driller Jaworski: No one embarrasses the Serial Driller!

Driller raises a fist to drive into ESJ's injured eye when suddenly Sandra Rose, 1WM's international tour coordinator, and ESJ's girlfriend, runs out and screams at Driller to stop. She is followed by EMTs and a couple of backstage officials. They implore Driller to let them help ESJ, but he just laughs them off.

Sandra Rose: Driller... please...

The tears streaming down Sandra's face only excite Driller more. He pulls ESJ over the chair and double underhooks him.

Vance Issac Parker: That’s enough, your point is made, let the man go…

Don Tirri: Oh no, you don’t…. Don’t you fucking dare….

Driller takes another look at Sandra Rose and EMTs. He then looks at the crowd with a dastardly grin as they yell at Driller with severe disdain. Then he drops ESJ head-and-face first into the chair with the Drill Bit. Sandra lets out a piercing scream. The impact is grotesque as ESJ twitches momentarily then goes motionless.

Spazz: Dude, the fuck… really?!

Vance Issac Parker: I can’t even describe what we just witnessed here. Murder? Did we actually witness the first televised death in One Dub history?!

The crowd is eerily silent as Driller gets up and surveys his havoc. He glares down at ESJ before demanding a mic from the ring announcer. He lays on his stomach right next to ESJ's unconscious body and looks at ESJ in his unconscious face while he talks into the mic.

Driller Jaworski: You survived the Five-Minute Drill. Fine. I'll let you have that, but just know that from now until the end of time, everyone will know that I-FINISHED-YOU.

He stands up, slams the mic, and lets out a primal roar as he lifts his arms above his head. Some of the crowd boo him while the rest are in shock, anxiously awaiting for the EMTs to get into the ring.

Vance Issac Parker: This is sick! Absolutely uncalled for, Driller Jaworski should be fined and suspended, minimum of ninety days! Maybe even review his contract and future with this company...

Don Tirri: Talk about leaving a shitty taste in your mouth. Holy shit, that dude is a jackass. Once I get off here, I’ll have a chat with the higher-ups. He needs to be taught a few lessons… fucking cunt.

Driller steps out of the ring and just laughs as Sandra, and the EMTs finally slide into the ring to check on ESJ. Driller walks backward proudly as he watches the EMTs assess ESJ and begin to immobilize him.

Vance Issac Parker: Are you proud of yourself? For that? All of that over a wrestling match. Really?

Spazz: Seriously, this motherfucker sailed right over the point. Driller lost and beat down ESJ like the petty punk ass that he is!

Vance Issac Parker: Folks, we’re outta time. I hate to end the show this way, but what are you gonna do, right? We’ll see you all next week at Legendary, and after that, you’ll get my partner and I right back in your face, and hopefully, with this mess all cleaned up.

Spazz: Buzzkill and a fuckin’ half, son….

We get one more shot of Driller smiling at his work, followed by one more shot of EMTs responding to ESJ before the show goes to black.

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