CAFFEINE & COGNAC -- EP. 1.1

[Mrs. Samson]

DISCLAIMER: This episode of Caffeine & Cognac was taped before the happenings of Legendary 19. They are the sole opinion of the host (who is quite the bitch uncaffeinated) and do not reflect the views of One Wrestle Movement as a whole. Bitches be warned...

EPISODE 1.1

The scene opens inside of the Ericcsson Globe in Stockholm, Sweden. A high, bar stool like chair with an almost equally as high small table. Astraid Samson walks into camera shot dressed in black leggins, a black tank top and an oversized, embellished denim jacket. In one hand was a metallic emerald green reusable Starbucks cold cup, cue cards in her other and she takes a sip of the coffee before putting both on the table and climbing up onto her seat. She takes the cards back in her hand as a huge smile comes across her face.

» ASTRID | SAMSON «
Welcome ladies and gentlemen… boys and girls… to the first OFFICIAL episode of Caffeine & Cognac. The last time on our introductory show, I was joined by none other than the big man in charge himself, Mr. Cedric Southern, because my husband Joshua Samson, Esquire, was busy handling the business and doing what it is that he does best. And this time, sadly, it’s the same thing. Josh is off handling things on behalf of Bianca Davis as we are speaking here in beautiful Stockholm. So where does that leave things when it comes to Caffeine & Cognac?

Astrid reaches for her cup and takes another sip before putting it back. A smirk replaces that smile as she flicks a section of her hair behind her shoulder.

» ASTRID | SAMSON «
Heading forward, it will only be called Caffeine & Cognac if the one who drinks the cognac is here besides me. I’m the caffeine and he’s the cognac after all. If Joshua is off doing his executive representative duties… well... we’re going to call this show Coffee Break.



Astrid takes another sip of coffee, making sure to savor the flavor as she looks over the notes on her cards.

» ASTRID | SAMSON «
So welcome to the first Coffee Break. Now, as I said, we’re here in Stockholm, the capital city of the Scandinavia country Sweden. As someone who’s half Swedish, half Norwegian but 100% hellraising little asskicker, I was happy when the location was announced cause it meant I would get to bring my 17 year old little sister to the motherland. And before anyone asks, our paternal grandparents emigrated to the US… so yeah, we are legit half Swedes. Anyway, back to the task at hand.

Looking over her cards, she shuffles some around after noticing that they were in the wrong spot as she takes yet another sip of her coffee. What more do you expect from someone who’s blood is 90% caffeine?

» ASTRID | SAMSON «
On the last episode, we talked about the 1WM World Domination world tour and what we expected from it. In this episode, we will be going over what has happened on the tour thus far. I planned to have this show tapped a few weeks back but delaying it until now allowed me to include the occurrences of Legendary 18, so I am actually able to cover the first half of the tour. But before we get into all of that… we have some videos from a few of the 1WM roster.

The feed switches in a fading motion from Astrid to Lash Donohue. *imagine it does the same thing for each character switch*

Lash Donohue: Relax, y'all. I'm taking the straight down the line approach today. I know you're all expecting me to come on this show and be some kind of lowbrow moron for my own entertainment. Not gonna lie, it's Astrid's show. I thought about it. But she's got enough of that kind of influence in her life, y'know? Plus, I gotta level with you guys on some stuff. One Wrestle Movement is on some bullshit, I tell ya. There is nobody on this roster who, at some point in their lives, hasn't dreamt of navigating the globe in some way. The World Domination tour is giving all of us just that. It's bucket list stuff, and it's freakin' awesome in and of itself. It has been as much a boon for the company as a whole, as it has been for the employees. One Wrestle Movement has more eyes on it than ever before. It's about damn time, don't ya think?

~~~~~~

Coda: In these uncertain times, the 1WM World Domination International Tour has given people of different races, creeds, sexual preferences, and disabilities the opportunity to escape the stresses of their lives for a night to witness their favorite competitors test their mettle against each other. It has allowed us to spread our artform far beyond the scope of the United States, inviting many others into our community that might not have even heard of One Wrestle Movement before. Maybe there were even some without preconceptions of our combat sport who decided to try something new as an alternative to staying in their homes. Could we have encouraged at least one person in the world, one individual young or old who might have been struggling, to understand that everyone deserves the chance to prove their strength? I like to think it is possible. This makes me happy.

~~~~~~

Jenn Drew: This World Domination tour for One Wrestle has not only helped solidify the company as one of the very best out there today, but it is helping showcase all the top talent, like myself, your One Wrestle Champion to brand new audiences and markets and it only helps make people like me, bigger stars than they already are.

~~~~~~

Solomon Monster: The World Domination International Tour by far has further put the eyes of the world on the small wrestling company many felt would not exist after only one year. The Tour has solidified our style of wrestling as a much sought after alternative to other products. Though the downside to that is that every young pup believes they can strap on a pair of wrestling boots and be the be all/end all of the sport. It blinds these children to the fact that years upon years have to be forged before they are even remotely thought of as anything special in the ring.

~~~~~~

The feed comes back to Astrid.

» ASTRID | SAMSON «
We will get back to the roster thoughts later on in the show. As for my own, I think that this tour has expanded 1WM fanbase with each stop. We’ve seen a lot of people on the roster come, though not as many as we’ve seen go… packed arenas at every stop… the list goes on and on. This has been the biggest thing that has happened in 1WM’s short existence and I cannot wait to get into everything that has gone on.

Astrid’s wide smile and hypnotic icey blue eyes look extra bright due to the lights of the 1WM Tron stage beaming down from above.

» ASTRID | SAMSON «
Now the tour started off with a bang in the land or margaritas and mojitos… wait… no… mojitos are Cuban. Anyway, we saw the debut of a few new roster members… most of whom are now gone. But the ones that have stuck around, that tattooed married couple, they’ve managed to make something of their time here so far. We even saw the Kirks, wait… Lash is a Donohue. Regardless, the siblings had some beef and we all saw a very different and unusual side of him. I always thought he was a self interested twat, but that whole situation it looked like it was Arley. I always said she never cared about 1WM… only about herself. Lashy boy, I loved that fake like press on nails comment. Keep that shit going.

With a wink and clicking sound from her mouth, Astrid does a finger gun shot to the camera.

» ASTRID | SAMSON «
Legendary 13, our first stop, was littered with matches that made me go, “Why are we wasting air time with this?” First off there was Jessica Anderson, who wasn’t even on our roster, going against Taren Smoak who’s lost more matches in her career than I can count. Then there was the Shittigami Foundation against those twins whose names are so insignificant I can’t be bothered to remember. The Shitti’s got lucky… plain and simple. There was also Lash Donohue going against Morgan Payne in a match many were wondering why it had to happen on 1WM programming. However, it was an exciting match, perhaps the best one on the ENTIRE card. I’m just against guests appearing because of legal reasons. That’s a can of worms I’m sure the interns over in the legal department don’t want to deal with.

There was also a triple threat that saw Solomon Monster lose… yet again. Does anybody remember when his last win was? And I’m talking about a legitimate, not by disqualification win. Sol, what’s going on dude? You are someone worthy of my respect but you’ve been letting down. OK, but honestly besides that, I was feeling bad for Coda as I was writing things down and then remembered that it was a triple threat. I was like, Usula and Sol are going to break her in half. Good thing I went back and rewatched all these shows right?

Anyway, the battle royal was interesting to watch was it not? Considering that half the competitors are no longer around… well it just says that a lot of people in this company get chances for titles merely because they’re needed to fill the match and not because they deserve it. The biggest surprise coming out of that was Jenn Drew winning. To be honest, I expected Bianca to win. How many title shots is she going to have… and drop the ball in? Though her actions… well they’re… I have no further comment because that’s my husband’s client. But Jenn… she worked her ass off and took what she wanted. She was the underdog heading into that and quickly became a ring general with a commanding presence.

But the three matches that I think were the biggest WOWZA ones to me are the No Mas match between Olivia Rhodes and Stasi Herveaux, the Master Sisters against Regulators, Inc for the tag titles and the Contest of Champions between Arley Kirk and Jacob Striker. Now the No Mas match was a long time coming. Olivia has always been a friend of mine and my husband’s. She had been wanting to get herself some retribution for two years since Stasi brutally attacked Joshua like the jealous bitch that she is. It was a BRUTAL match but the real brutality happened after because I got my vengeance. I put Stasi in her rightful fuckin’ place and we haven’t seen her since. Payback is a bitch… but I am worse. If only these stupid meatheads understood the fact that you don’t want to mess with me. As for the tag titles match, I am not the only one who was thankful to the Master Sisters for beating Jane and Sadie because let’s face it, those glorified strippers are nothing but a stain on the tag team division. The Headhunters held their titles for a longer period of time than they did. They’re annoying as fuck and I”m so over this fake as fuck western gimmick.

The Contest of Champions… was the perfect way to cap off the first show of the tour and was totally the best show on the entire card. Arley and Jacob weren’t holding punches and I was actually pulling for Arley. I can’t stand Jacob Striker and I doubt that anyone on the roster really does. The dude is just way too full of himself. That match took a lot out of Arley, perhaps too much, and she just wasn’t the same after.

Whew… that was a lot to say. And that was just the first show.

Looking a tad bit exhausted (it’s probably a show), she wipes her brow and grabs her cup, taking a few long sips of her coffee. Looking refreshed, she puts the cup back down on the table.

» ASTRID | SAMSON «
I was ecstatic when it was announced that Legendary 14 was gong to be in Paris as it is one of my favorite cities on the planet. I’ve made some really good memories there.

Astrid seemingly drifts off to happy memory land before snapping back to reality when a loud “OI!” echoes through the arena… with a certain sexy Scottish accent attached to it.

» ASTRID | SAMSON «
Anyway, the show was appropriately named Maux d’Amour or Love Sickness for those of us who don’t speak French and had to resort to Google Translate. I’m still confused as to why we had two cringeworthy segments at the beginning of the show. They were both a waste of time and the only thing that was good was Solomon’s grip on Sandra’s wrist. I was hoping he’d do more and she should’ve known better than to try and slap someone of his build. I’m just glad she quit because as much as she denies it, she was GROSSLY incompetant. But more on that later. I’m still surprised that Coda and UVR were allowed to film at Notre Dame given what happened there 2 years ago. I would’ve gone somewhere more spectacular… like the Tour Eiffel or Arc de Triomphe. But to each their own huh?

Now this show had a good variety of matches. There was a fatal five way where most of people lasted in 1WM as long as the guy in Beta House who got a lap dance from the chick in a sheep costume. In fact, the only one left is Driller Jaworksi. There was also Benjamin Fahel against Melissa Maye which isn’t even worth discussing because once again, Beta House. Then there was the non Dog Pound, Dog Pound members Izzy Marx and Dustin Holt against that tattooed married couple. I didn’t remember that they were on the roster until I went back to review these shows in detail. Also, the Shittigami… sorry, Origami Foundation against those twins again. What ever happened to those two? I would’ve put my money on them being champions but it seems that they’ve just ghosted. The final one not worth much airtime talking about it is Cain Dominguezagainst Leo Cook. I will say this, I loved watching that hot airbag get the shit kicked out of him and squashed like the annoying little fly that he really is.

Dog Pound faced those Mancinis in what turned out to be quite an interesting match. Katrina looked promising up until the point in which that whole group of people left. The Mancinis are just… ugh. Symphony of Destruction against Justice Cross and Brianna Matthews... let me just say that SOD was amazing, the perfect example of tag team wrestling. Justice and Brianna could really learn a thing or two from them. Justice, you don’t like to listen to anyone that’s trying to get through to you with some good advice… but you really, really need to ditch Brianna professionally. She’s holding your back, keeping you down and you’ve been a completely different person since she came into 1WM. I’ve been in the same position as you so I know. This isn’t biased by the way… it's fully subjectory. Scout’s honor and all that jazz.

Astrid holds up the Girl Scout finger salute, oath thing with a snarky look upon her face.

» ASTRID | SAMSON «
When it comes to Jenn Drew’s rise up the ladder, of course she was going to accrue people that didn’t like her. But really, Griffin Hawkins isn’t one that she really needs to worry about. That dude is so out of touch with everything that he just doesn’t get it. He’s about as pleasant as curdled milk. Just like Jacob Striker who saw the beginning of the end when he faced off against Rei Park. It was a very, very impressive match on both ends, especially Rei who, just like Jenn, was climbing the ladder. But of course, when one person is successful… someone else thinks that they’re stealing the spotlight or getting jealous. I think you all know who I’m talking about and honestly, it doesn’t matter that it was Justice or not because I would’ve said the same comment.

As for that tag team match between the “Samson Family” and the Master Sisters…

Astrid’s eyes roll as she leans her head back, a very audible (and possibly exasperated) groan comes from her lips.

» ASTRID | SAMSON «
Let me just say that members of the Samson Family are known for being ring commanders. At least, that’s the way that it’s supposed to be. Trust me, I know. Even though I never won singles gold because of stupid fuckin’ technicalities and politics… I was perhaps the best member of SamFam in the EHWF era. I put in the work and never quit. Now Bianca and Anthony, at that point, I would say that they should be ashamed. They didn’t live up to the name and Moonlight was CLEARLY better than Anthrony. Bianca of now… she’s different. But we’ll cover that in the next episode. Let’s just close off this bit by saying I’m not surprised the sisters won because they know how to work as a cohesive unit while Bianca and Anthony were oil and water… they just didn't mesh.

Astrid straightens her cards by tapping them on her knees, tossing the ones behind her that she’s already used to talk about.

» ASTRID | SAMSON «
Much like I said Moonlight was clearly better than Anthony “Enforcer” Cross, something else that was clear to me and should’ve been to everyone is that the main event of Solomon Monster and Arley Kirk should have been cancelled. Solomon was in no condition to compete even if he said he was. I think he knew it too and that’s why he got himself disqualified. Or he wanted to send a message to Erick St. John. Regardless, wasn’t ready given the attack on his person earlier in the show by St. John. But then again, that would’ve not happened if he’d keep his bitch on a leash much like someone said that Joshua should do with me. You know who you are.

Astrid stares dead straight into the camera, tossing yet another card over her shoulder.

» ASTRID | SAMSON «
One thing I need to know is how is that juice box thing sanitary? Also, what parent in their right mind would let a grown ass stranger pour “juice” into their small child’s mouth. That’s just bad parenting right there. Even though her actions in her entrance are… questionable at best… she was smart in taking advantage of that distraction post Solomon’s disqualification to get herself the hell out of dodge. And by dodge I mean Solomon’s grasp. Shit was going off and once Sol started stirring after getting lambasted by the title by St. John, he was about to beat both their asses. Shame that the show had to end the way that it did.

Looking down and shaking her head, she goes to take another sip of her iced coffee, only to find it empty as the audible sound of air coming through the straw is heard… barely.

» ASTRID | SAMSON «
For Legendary 15, we were in the Great White North city of Vancouver, British Columbia. Now if you’ve never been to Vancity before, it’s a beautiful city and it’s also called the Hollywood of the north because a lot of movies and television shows film in and around Metro Vancouver… like the Netflix movie series To All the Boys I Loved Before. It’s a slightly boring city but there are some amazingly beautiful views of beaches, mountains, things of that nature. But we’re getting off topic here. I guess my caffeine levels are depleting… hold on.

Astrid hops off the chair and stands up, going to leave the camera’s view. But before she can, she’s met by a slender, heavily tattooed brunette woman and a short(ish) blonde haired younger woman. These are her wife Catriona and her sister Hanna. Catriona hands Astrid a baked good (it’s unknown because of the Starbucks baked good little baggie) before Hanna hands her a fresh iced latte. Astrid smiles at both of them before retaking her seat.

» ASTRID | SAMSON «
Ah, that’s better. So let’s get back to it eh? The opening chase of Coda after Jenn Drew, it was interesting to say the least. But the hallways of Rogers Arena, or any arena for that matter, is not Grand Theft Auto… or Need for Speed. Though if you want to run over a hooker… feel free to run over Regulators. I mean…

Astrid hurriedly puts a finger to her lips, hushing herself up before she says anything else on the subject. Then she tosses a card onto the floor.

» ASTRID | SAMSON «
Now I have a lot of… issues with various things and people that were involved with the production. The first thing on that list is El Diablo Blanco because I just roll my eyes when I hear the name mentioned. He’s just… he’s making a mockery of this company and this business with his name and that horrendous theme song. Backyard wrestlings are GROSSLY dangerous and don’t belong in 1WM or any established company. If I was on the roster, I would protest his inclusion merely for my own safety. Alexandria Kruise’s loss should be overturned but sadly, she’s another one of those here and gone roster members. As for Keiji vs Crippler, I have nothing to say. It was a joke of a match and Crippler is nothing but an over-the-hill has-been and he really needs to realize it.

“Chris Crippler was released shortly after luv.”

» ASTRID | SAMSON «
Oh really? Well that’s no surprise. Just like there’s no surprise that Katrina Culpepper made quick work of Kevin Hunter. That dude is about as big of a joke and stain on this company as EDB. Him and his lackeys are one trick ponies. But hey, at least that tag team is better than Hunter is. But even them and their opponents at Legendary 15 were meh. That’s a match I don’t have much to say about. The same thing can be said about Skye Devereaux and Andrew Garrison’s match. It’s not memorable at all, a waste of TV time and it was over so quickly that they made Usain Bolt look slow. Nicole Smoak against Q was nothing more than a jobber against a talker… but it was still a tad bit more entertaining than other matches on the card. Dookie and Damon Xalvador was another Usain Bolt looking slow match. Damon is another piss poor Scot and I say another because he’s just as bad, but not worse than someone which I’ll get to later on.

Enforcer versus Cain can only be described as a “piss break” match. Booty Call and Regulators was nothing but strippers against wannabe porn stars. Nothing was exciting about that at all unless you’re a 40 year old virgin who lives in your mama’s basement with an ample supply of tissues and Lubriderm. As for Faye and Bianca, how can I put this nicely without sounding like a complete bitch… the whole high school cheerleader esque, Regina George gimmick is old as well. Bianca needs something to refresh her character or else she’s going to seem like nothing other than a one dimensional person. And to be honest, she’s not that deserving of the title shot she has later on tonight. She’s failed every time she’s been up for gold and that’s not a diss to my husband Joshua because her failures are all on her… same with Justice, though that one doesn’t seem to get it and always blames someone or something else.

Speaking off Justice Cross… she was a part of that Pride of 1WM Championship three way dance. It was an exciting match from beginning to end. It perked me up and made me pay attention to the point that I couldn’t look away. It was a nice, refreshing match considering how many of the ones before it were boring as fuck. I didn’t see much energy from Justice though and it seemed that Rei and Striker were the focus. Rei was extremely energetic from the moment that she made her entrance and was a woman on a mission given that she won the Pride of 1WM Championship and then had her match division reversed. It might’ve been that or it might’ve been the BTS entrance song. My sister Hanna is a fan… I mean stan. Strikers desperation started showing quickly and he was doing whatever it is he had to do, which is both smart and stupid at the same time. And my proof is that he was so desperate that he ended up hurting himself. But hey, he walked out with the title, so I guess it worked.

I didn’t see the reason why Bodhi Bose had to be out there on commentary though. He didn’t add to the match in any aspect. In fact, I would say that he subtracted from it. At least when I am out there, I have a reason for it. To be honest, I muted the feed during that match when I watched the replay just so I didn’t have to listen to his bullshit.

Legendary 15 was the show of the triple threat title matches. I just talked about the Pride of 1WM Championship triple threat but the 1WM Tag Team Championships as well as the 1WM World Heavyweight Championship were also defended in triple threats. In the tag one, the determined Connelly Twins, impressive Master Sisters and annoying Origami Foundation should have been a very promising match. But of course, some jealous twats had to go and ruin it. The Dog Pound needs to be put down because they’re too aggressive. Their jealousy and unwillingness to wait their turn is disgusting. I really hate people who don’t earn their shots.

Speaking of those who didn’t earn their title shots… Griffin Hawkins had NO PLACE being in the main event World Title triple threat. So just because he beat someone like Jenn Drew on the previous show he is awarded a shot? He’s not worthy of the main event let alone being in the world title picture. Well fuck… if that’s the way things happen I’m owed A LOT of title shots.

Astrid looks into the camera’s lens again, this time with an evil twinkle like glare in her eyes, the corners of her lips twisted up devilishly before the smirk quickly disappears.

» ASTRID | SAMSON «
Jenn Drew earned her shot by outlasting everyone in the battle royal. I’m just glad that underdog Jenn was able to overcome the odds that were against her and defeated both Griffin and Arley to become the new 1WM World Heavyweight Champion. I didn’t care who won between her and Arley, just as long as Griffin didn’t… though I did prefer Jenn cause I have a soft spot for underdogs. She deserves the glory that comes with holding that title because she busted her ass to raise her position in the company and get there. I would’ve loved to see Jenn and Arley one on one though to be honest. Whatever happened to Arley anyway?

She goes to grab her latte only to drop her cards and scatter them all over the stage.

» ASTRID | SAMSON «
OH WHAT THE FUCKIN’ FUCK! CUT THE CAMERA! NOW!!

PART 1.2 COMING MOMENTARILY! PLEASE STAY TUNED!